There are few things as painfully oblivious as a hardcore paranoiac way gone- deep into the dregs of his delirium. However- it does make for great TV!
With that in mind: I almost feel sorry for McCain. The stammering and sputtering, the rolling eyes and brittle Nixonian gesticulations, the way his face reminds one more and more of a rabid cadaverous marmot… The poor guy just can’t get it right. Having crashed and burned many a fighter jet- all he has left is the vast, vast trainwreck of his presidential campaign. It’s nigh-heartbreaking at times: the more he flings muck, desultorily switching his approach and self-presentation over and over: the more his numbers evaporate into the ether. The only immutable aspect of his campaign has been its tenor of shrill invective. Of course, the GOP could always just steal it. Again. From the stats I’ve been perusing online- all various Republican regional heads would have to do is steal/dump 8% of Obama’s vote to ensure a McCain victory. Colorado, Indiana, New Mexico, Georgia, California and Virginia have all seen record numbers of voter fraud (for an excellent synopsis/analysis go here: http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/23638322/block_the_vote ) But I don’t think they will steal it and the actions of numerous conservatives back this up. The fact that myriad sane, centrist rightwingers are stampeding over themselves in a brutal effort to distance themselves from the all-out zombie hysteria of McCain’s bitter, desperate McCampaign and quietly ride out the storm offstage- that’s rather telling (I hope). Then there are those beleaguered colleagues who have openly repudiated McCain’s tactics and unbelievable flip-flopping on issues as diverse as (deep breath) offshore drilling, tax cuts for the rich, the estate tax, MLK day, abortion rights, gay marriage, privatizing social security, Yucca Mountain, military action against rogue states, illegal wiretaps, torture AND indefinite detention of military detainees, windfall profits tax, South African divestments and that idiotic flag up in Columbia . Finally, there’s a number of McCain’s former allies and advisers who have just said, “Screw this,” and begun to support Obama outright. Hell, even his own senior staff are in a state of full-on revolt/surrender- already sending out resumes into the private sector in what has been hailed as, “a breach of custom for even the worst-off campaigns,” by politico.com. “If you really want to see what ‘going negative’ is in politics, just watch the back-stabbing and blame game that we’re starting to see,” said Mark McKinnon, the ad man who left the campaign after McCain wrapped up the GOP primary. “And there’s one common theme: Everyone who wasn’t part of the campaign could have done better.” What a circus- there it is. And all because of our gut shot economy. Mostly. Man oh man, I bet Charles Keating never saw this coming. I know I didn’t. I almost feel bad every time I see McCain attempt to mold that bewildered, saurian countenance of his into something resembling “compassionate conservatism,” or whatever oxymoronic neologisms the RNC crew are peddling to their seething, hyper-galvanized base this year. I admit: I’m not all that down the neocon newspeak. And boy-oh-boy is speech their forte! Just today, Sarah Palin reached out to the great silent minority of ‘special needs’ parents. Maybe she’s onto something there- finally finding her audience. The kids that is, not their parents. She’s got the special needs lingo down pat. Love that Palin. Can’t get enough of her. Whether she’s flatly denying the conclusions of a state ethics investigation into her abuse of gubernatorial power, or describing the 150 GRAND that the RNC spent on her wardrobe as, “frugal,” or contradicting herself on whether or not she considers herself a feminist, or gloating in Panglossian stupor as to the most obvious results of her ‘abstinence only’ stance on sex education, or parading her special needs baby around like a red badge of courage, or admonishing a crowd at one of her own rallies for yelling her name, or giving some love to her witch-hunting pastor (Thomas Muthee), or contradicting her running mate on robocalls, or denouncing American taxpayers dollars going into Parisian fruit-fly research… Jeez, McCain. If you absolutely had to have a Palin- should’ve gone with Monty Python’s Michael Palin. Cuz nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. The only way I can even rationalize Palin’s presence is that McCain and his chiefs of staff were dipping heavily into Cindy’s secret vicodin stash one night and got a liiiiiiiittle toooo hiiiiigh. Or way too high. Probably the latter. Ah Cindy, sweet dreamlike Cindy- the way she seamlessly blends the styles of junkie snitch with rightwing uber-ditz beer heiress and hillbilly heroin chic- utterly inimitable! I can’t tear my gaze from those gloriously glacier-like eyes with their perpetually stoned, teeny, tiny pupils. She and Palin would make a hell of a team. Which reminds me, I can’t wait until Sarah ditches Todd and their ever-expanding brood and hooks up with Larry the Cable Guy- the two of them will go on to land their own primetime slot on Fox News! “Palin’Around with Palin!” A hit in the making! C’mon. Stranger things have happened. Think “Ashley Todd,” the other Toddster haunting the gruesome narrative of McCain’s blighted bid. Willie Horton is alive and well in Pittsburgh. Who knew? Talk about “special needs.” Ashley could have at least carved the B right. She almost comes off as the saddest sack this election season, with her ludicrously conceived and ineptly executed Susan Smithotage of Obama’s campaign. Almost. I reserve that for poor ol’ Shrub. Man oh man, has Fearless Leader had a bad time of it. Every time he shows up on the tube, attempting to downplay our case of National FUBAR, dully reciting the same teleprompter synopses of stuff we’ve already heard smart people say over and over- each time this happens: someone, somewhere, runs screaming from the house (they no longer own) and casts an early vote for Obama. I don’t know why his handlers haven’t packed the Shrubster off to Crawford for a little work around the ranch. You’d think they’d have the sense to hide him- get him out get him out of the public eye! He’s looking rougher each week; aging like one of those sad Moldovans who sold one of their kidneys on the black market for two grand. Seriously. He looks like someone hooked him up to Count Rugen’s torture apparatus in The Princess Bride and sucked out ten years of his life- an occupation for which I would gladly submit a resume, ‘cause, like - I really need a job, because of the economy and all...
Editor’s Note: In my unending dedication to free speech and good writing, I often publish opinions with which I disagree, and, in fact, enjoy doing so. While I take no issue with the opinions expressed here by Mr. Roark, I am deeply uncomfortable with the tone of his essay. My editorial board (a small group of trusted colleagues) assures me I’m being too sensitive – that funny is funny, and it’s not mean when it’s true. I’m not sure I agree, but I defer to their judgment, acknowledging that mine may be temporarily impaired. – Margaret Evans
Margaret Evans is the Editor of Lowcountry Weekly. She has been writing her regular column "Rants & Raves" for the better part of a decade, which is a lot of bloviating for someone who's not an expert. On anything.Read More >>
Category Blog 
